What does it mean to be a visitor in your own child’s life?
Every time I see a photo of myself cuddling my boy
But wearing a bright red “visitor” lanyard
It feels jarring and wrong
But these days, I am a visitor in my child’s life
Oh technically and legally that is not the case
I do after all hold full parental responsibility
Am fully involved in decisions surrounding his care
Have regular weekly and monthly meetings with staff at his school
Receive all of the Incident Reports
The Low Level Events…which aren’t quite as severe as an Incident
But still merit recording and reporting
Legally, I am not a visitor in my child’s life
But a regular, daily, weekly and monthly participant
But I no longer put him to bed at night…
…Except when he’s Visiting me
In that place that should be his home
But isn’t
Not any more
It’s just a lanyard
Purely a way of tracking who is on site at any given time
Some lanyards say Staff, some say Visitor
A perfectly reasonable fire regulation
Signing in on entry
Signing out on exit
Perfectly reasonable
But sometimes what it doesn’t say
Is more significant than what it does
Because these days, I am a Visitor
In my 13 year old son’s life
I am a Visitor at the school where he lives
I am a Visitor when I am “On Site”
Even now, two years on, and secure in the knowledge
That my son is thriving
That my son – for the first time in his life –
Receives the support he so desperately needs
That he is – for the first time in his life –
Surrounded by, and part of, A Village
(Because it takes a village to raise a child)
It still jars to know that as a mother
I am a Visitor in my baby’s life
But maybe
We need a lanyard that says
Parent
Life In Holland 
Parent would be a good lanyard.
For you it has happened much earlier than expected. At some point, every parent must face this hard reality; they will become a visitor in their child’s life for one reason or another.
Surround this harsh word with love, soften it, melt it a little…
S
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Hi Sarah, you are of course right that eventually, every parent becomes a visitor in their child’s life, but this is a very different situation, not least because it happened when my son was 11 (and for some SEN parents, it happens as early as 8). There is a difference between following the socially expected path of watching your child grow up and then launch themselves from the nest onto their next independent phase in which they can choose (hopefully) to ring and tell their parents that they’re doing ok and hopefully occasionally invite them to dinner. That is successful and socially acceptable parenting. But this is not that. This is launching the child from the nest long before they are ready and watching others surround them, and at times restrain them, because the parent cannot tolerate the bruises inflicted on them by the child any longer. This is sending your child into a locked building from which they cannot leave and signing ‘deprivation of liberty’ orders. This is knowing that your child can never, will never, be able to just ring you to say hello…because they do not understand what conversation means. This is simply not the same as what you describe, it cannot be.
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