Dear Beautiful Boy,

For months, you’ve been making sure I know the next significant date in your diary: “March add 25, Adam’s birthday!” You also knew exactly what you wanted, “Adam’s birthday, blue bot!”  You have repeated these two phrases….once or twice.

When I visited you at school on Thursday, you excitedly told me, “March add 25, Saturday!”  I asked if you wanted any presents and you replied, “Adam’s birthday, presents, going home!”  I smiled but my heart cracked a little.  Of course you wanted to come home, it was your birthday and birthday’s are special days to be at home.

I arranged with school staff that I would bring you home for a few hours to open your presents and they would hold off on your school presents until after you got back, to make sure you had something to look forward to and make the transition easier.  

So this morning, you woke up to find your family area decorated with balloons and birthday banners as the staff always go the extra mile for the children who live with them.  I waited until you’d had your special breakfast brunch and collected you at 11am by singing “Happy Birthday” as one of the staff brought you downstairs.

As we drove home, you happily smiled and chattered about, “Home nice!  Home birthday nice! Home presents nice!”  You were so excited and your good mood was infectious.

We got home and you danced into the lounge playing with the forty balloons I’d blown up last night (with a pump – I like breathing!) and you got straight to it, not even stopping to take off your coat.  Presents are an urgent business.  Your smiles and laughter as you rejoiced over every present you opened was a joy to see and it was nice that our friend Zoe was there too as you like Zoe.  Blue bot, train, bubbles, putty – it was all a big win and you had the best day.

But in my heart, as lovely as it was, I knew there would come the point when it was time to go back. I tried to talk to you about having a birthday party with your friends but you were instantly suspicious.  “Home nice!  Adam stay home!”  Oh baby boy…. 

Finally it was time to put your shoes on, and to pack up the presents I knew you would want with you at school and at this point, you began to scream, “NO!! ADAM HOME! STAYING HOME!” I tried to reassure you that there would be more presents and a lovely party and that you would come back home soon but you were having none of it.  I managed to get you into the car and rang ahead to ask for staff to be outside waiting for us so you didn’t have to wait. They could hear you screaming in the background so they knew what that meant.

The whole drive back, you were rocking back and forth in your chair, shouting at me and at times banging your head on the dashboard.  It wasn’t a fun trip.  Thankfully, one of the staff was indeed waiting outside and three others arrived shortly after.  I managed to hug you and tell you I loved you but the tears were flowing from your eyes as joy had turned to misery.  You turned and ran inside and the staff followed you.

They texted me a couple of times to let me know you weren’t really in a party mood so they were modifying plans and making them smaller and closer to home.  They tried to reassure me that it’s just overwhelming to have such excitement of a birthday and that you would be alright.  But in my heart, I knew it was just because you wanted to stay at home – you’d told me that quite clearly, but I’d taken you back.  

From the excitement of the beginning of the day, to weeping at the end of it – on both our parts.  My darling boy, I love you so much and I truly wish it could be different, that I could have known it was safe to keep you at home.  But it isn’t, so you couldn’t.  

I know it’s not how you wanted your birthday to end baby boy, but please know that I love you more than life itself and I would do anything to keep you safe.  I know you don’t understand why, but taking you back to school was about keeping you safe – keeping us both safe.  That doesn’t make it any easier though.

Happy birthday my boy, I hope you feel better and sleep well.  Wherever you are, you are still precious to me and you always will be.

Love

Mummy