So, while it’s been “developing” for a while, as of today, my final resignation letter has been posted and I’m (nearly) unemployed….or going without appointment….or taking a break for the sake of my health.

While I’ve lived with severe brittle asthma all my life, and incredible stress for the last decade, my medication used to contain my symptoms and I could ”mask” enough to live a “normal” life. Sure I would occasionally end up in hospital but only a couple of times a year…. (Yes I know….hats off to all of the copers!)

But in addition to many stressors often detailed here, my first bout with covid in July 2020 destroyed my health and I’ve never (yet?) recovered. It’s been a journey to accept that I am disabled. For the last three years, I have struggled to breathe every single day, I am constantly coughing with a deep bronchial cough, wheezing like a 95 year old smoker and being unable to do even the most basic tasks (climb a flight of stairs for example) without gasping for air is now the norm for me. I used to love to sing and happily led sung worship in church, now I struggle to speak and have to carefully conserve my spoken words. 

In essence, my body has forced me to say, “enough!” I resisted for a long time but I am finally ready to hear it.  Thankfully I’ve had multiple friends, and a fair few professionals, validate and encourage (or bully!) me into taking a break, or giving myself a break, but it’s time.

So, while I will always have to advocate (battle) for my son’s needs and manage a host of professionals including three solicitors, a case manager, school support staff and plenty of independent experts who both assess and treat either or both of us….for now, I’m taking a break from paid work in the employment sense.

This is a difficult step and I won’t deny that, it’s more than a bit discombobulating (I love that word) particularly for someone who has worked so hard for so long, but it’s necessary. What the future may hold, I don’t yet know; I hope a path towards healing physically and emotionally that might one day allow me to return to work. For now though, my agenda is as follows:

1. Sleep

2. Breathe (more of a challenge than it might at first appear!)

3. Sleep some more

4. Read books

5. Sleep

The fourth is there for a reason: I’ve been a lifelong reader and often described as a bookworm. Books kept me company throughout a childhood plagued by illness and long before Netflix and on demand, streaming television or t’interweb existed (yes, I’m old – imagine, a time before the internet existed!) But for the last three years, I’ve struggled to focus on all but the most page turning of novels and even struggled with those at times. I get a few pages or chapters in, and find myself reading the same words over and over again without retaining them. Then I put the book down and don’t return to it. I’ve missed the experience of losing myself in a book as I used to do and I hope that consciously allowing myself some time to rest, might allow me to return to enough focus to be able to read once more. We’ll see.

But for now, here’s to the canoe, the motorboat, the helicopter and the cruise liner – if you know, you know (and to those who do know, thank you).