Dear Beautiful Boy,

Yesterday, you turned 10.  I can’t quite believe it, where have the years gone?  (Yes, I know every parent says this sort of thing but this particular ten years has been unusually eventful).

You were so excited for weeks in advance, carefully counting down the days, and begging in alternating rhythm for ten presents and Christmas tree.  We might still have to work on your understanding of seasons, but it was very sweet to know that you understand the Christmas tree is associated with special days, and as your birthday is a special day, so we should have the tree up.  I asked you to compromise with 100 balloons and you thoughtfully replied, “100 balloons!  Christmas tree!” Ah well, negotiating was never your strong point….

If you are ever able to read these letters, then you will know that your birthday is always a bitter-sweet day for me because even as I celebrate all that is wonderful about you and your special day, I’m also painfully reminded of how your life began and nearly ended.  This year, for me, took on an even greater poignancy as it is the first year we celebrate your birthday alone together.

It’s been nearly a year since your dad died and, as a result, we don’t see your brother as often as we used to so family celebrations are a lot smaller than they were.  That combined with the pandemic meant that opportunities to celebrate had to be very creative indeed.

Two days ago, even as I wrapped the presents that I’d been hiding away for months and thought about how you would enjoy them, there were also moments when tears were rolling down my face at the thought of all that you have lost this year.  I hope that somehow, from his place in heaven, your dad can see that I’m trying my best and doing ok as a lone parent but it is hard and on days like this particularly, I do miss having someone else there who just *gets it* – all the mixed feelings and memories that go with this day.

But as ever, for your sake, I managed to wipe away the tears and talk all about how special the day was – even if I wasn’t quite ready for it to start at 4:45am…  Thankfully, you had just woken up at your usual time and hadn’t yet remembered it was your birthday, so we had time to snuggle in my bed as mama inhaled coffee.

Finally, nearly two hours later, as you angrily shouted in the shower (showers are rarely acceptable) and your small face crinkled in fury at the sheer indignity of being clean, I smiled to myself and as I dried you off, said, “Adam is going to be a very happy boy soon…”. By response, you shouted at me. But with a huge smile, I said again, “Adam will be very happy soon…” At that moment you paused and I could almost hear the gears in your mind creaking into action.  Then, the smile that crept across your face was like watching the sun come up and you quizzically said, “Ten presents?”

“Yes baby!  You’ve remembered!  What is today?”

You thought for a minute and replied, “Thursday today?” Then, “25 today?”  And as I smiled at you and encouraged you to find the words, eventually, you came up with, “Ten presents…….Adam’s birthday!!!”  Then, the excitement hit and you turned into a fizzing whiz bee.

I managed to get you dressed with the repeated encouragement, “Dressed first, presents next!” Eventually, having wrestled into your school uniform, we walked downstairs and as you opened the lounge door to find the promised 100 balloons and ten presents, your “WOOOOOWWWW!!!!” Was worth all the effort.  I hadn’t quite managed to get as far as the Christmas tree, but thankfully you didn’t seem bothered when there were all those balloons to play in.

Even as I watched you open the presents and exclaim in delight, I hid the sadness behind my smile as you weren’t mentioning your dad or his absence and I didn’t want to take away from your happiness in doing so.  Even though you sometimes still watch videos of you and your dad playing together, you don’t mention him anymore and I know you’re starting to forget.  When you’ve only been alive for ten years, one year is a long time.  Yes, I do sigh when I realise that the memories you have of him will fade away with each passing day.

But back to the presents.  You tore the paper of each one of them and, quite predictably, settled on one that was the favourite of the day, taking it into breakfast with you and ignoring the rest.  Afterwards, you spent an adorable amount of time running through the balloons in the lounge and shouting with excitement.

Then, being Thursday, it was time for school and that was a good thing as it’s where your friends are and I knew your teacher had planned a party for you, because she’s so kind.  After a day spent buried in putting together my Easter services, you re-emerged from your taxi chattering happily and piling my arms full of bags and more presents you’d received from your lovely passenger assistant and driver and another from school.  They’re all so kind to you.  And of course, when we got inside, more presents waited for you – another thirteen to be exact.

You had a wonderful time opening them but were then clearly a bit overwhelmed by all the evidence of birthday in the lounge, so we moved into the kitchen for dinner and some less overwhelming play until bedtime, as you sat quietly at the table playing with your new light box and spelling out days of the week, the month and looking at the numbers.

Eventually, it was time for bed and we walked upstairs where you found two final presents waiting for you – a gorgeous Thomas weighted blanket that a lovely friend of mine had made for you and a star projector for your ceiling as you so love looking at your glow-in-the-dark stars stuck to the side of your bed.  We read your familiar stories, “Chickens Can’t See In The Dark!” and “No Matter What” before finishing with The Lord’s Prayer and “our song” (the Compline hymn) for your lullaby.  I kissed your dozing head and left you to your dreams as I went downstairs to go back to work.

Sadly, at 2:55am you decided you wanted to continue the birthday party but were promptly dispatched back to bed – I have no need for a new high score in this season of exhaustion!

In the end sweetheart, it was such a special day and even though I shed the odd tear, we coped remarkably well.  You’ve both lost so much this part year, coped with so much and adapted so well to circumstances well outside your control.  And despite all this, you continue to grow and develop, making me so proud in all you are achieving in school – doing things I never thought you would be able to do but all with a huge proud smile on your face.  It’s no wonder your teachers love you so much, as do I.

Happy Birthday Big Boy 10, I love you forever, no matter what.

Mummy