This week we have all watched the tragic news of Sarah Everard’s abduction and murder and while we’ve all been quite rightly shocked at these dreadful events, women in particular have not been surprised by them. All of us know exactly what it is to carry our keys in one hand, our unlocked phone in the other.
To wonder what location tracking apps we should install, to tell a friend when we’re leaving and when we intend to get back, to choose our walking route as the most well lit and populated, to wonder about the intentions of the man who seems to be following us – is he or isn’t he? Am i just being paranoid? I’m not being paranoid. Maybe he’s a nice guy who just happens to be walking the same route as me, after all not all men… Should I run? Do I need to run? I should run.
All women, ALL women know these thoughts, feelings and protective actions and men who are watching this, if you think that’s an exaggeration, then please press pause right now, turn to the woman who is nearest to you in your life and ask her if it’s an exaggeration. I’ll wait.
Yeah I thought so. A couple of years ago I was walking home with my now late husband, we were both tired with sore backs and feet and he turned into a path through a deserted industrial area because it was a shorter route. He looked back when I hesitated and said “What? Aren’t you coming?” He truly had no idea why i hesitated at the idea of walking through a deserted industrial area with windowless back doors multiple dumpsters that somebody could have been hiding behind and poor street lighting. All he could see was that it was a shorter route. My late husband was six foot six trust me he didn’t need to worry about those things, but even though I was walking with him, still I hesitated and he didn’t understand why it ended up triggering an important conversation between us and he was genuinely shocked, having never looked at a walk that way before, never having needed to, so yes all women, including the local vicar.
But in the midst of this very important conversation that’s happening right now there’s something bothering me and that’s some of the memes that have been circulating on social media as a result. Oh sure some of them are true and helpful and awareness raising like these for example: “Every woman you know has taken a longer route, has doubled back on herself, has pretended to dawdle by a shop window, has held her keys in her hand, has made a fake phone call, has rounded a corner and run. Every woman you know has walked home scared. Every woman you know.” or this one “Protect your daughter. crossed out Educate your son.” There are many others like this that are good and that are true and they’re right. But on social media yesterday, I came across this one and it stopped me in my tracks:
“I am raising a son that your daughter will be safe with, I promise.” It had been posted by a woman who presumably was mother to a son, I didn’t see any men posting this meme, I wish I had, this is an admirable sentiment certainly, because as parents, we do have a responsibility to raise our children to respect one another, and particularly our sons to understand that No Means No and that abducting, raping and murdering women is not acceptable. And yes, it’s as harsh as that. But this particular meme stopped me in my tracks because i saw over and over and over again that it was being posted by mothers, women. I felt deeply uncomfortable and after some reflection i realized it wasn’t so much the meme itself, because it could have been posted by parents of either gender, but because it was largely being posted by women and often with the hashtag accompanying it #mustdobetter or variations on that theme. It seems to me that this is another roundabout way of blaming women for men’s actions. Because if a man makes a choice to rape and murder a woman, then it’s his mother who’s responsible for not raising him right? Hang on a second, no! If a man makes a choice to rape and murder a woman, then it’s the man who was responsible for that action. And yes it’s our responsibility to teach our children right from wrong, of course it is, and it’s a mother’s responsibility to raise our sons to understand this, but it’s also a father’s responsibility to raise his sons to understand this. A woman should not have to walk home with her keys in her hand, her phone unlocked, and constantly checking her surroundings. A woman should not have to worry about being raped and murdered for walking home alone. And a mother should not be blamed or held responsible when her son makes a choice to commit a crime, not unless there’s obvious neglect, bad parenting or evidence of not raising him right. And even then if that is the case, then we also need to talk to the son’s father about having equal responsibility. So yes, it’s true that I am doing my best to teach my son right from wrong, and I hope that will be enough to ensure that he never hurts another woman but heaven forbid, if one day he makes the wrong decision and commits a crime, then it will not be because I didn’t raise him right. Oh i would blame myself most definitely, I would blame myself and I would ask myself what i could have done differently and better, but if he were still alive then I would expect be expecting his late father to do the same. Sarah Everard’s murder is a tragedy, as are all the other murders of women by men that occur on a regular basis, but women are not to blame for those murders: not the women themselves, not their female friends who didn’t realize what their male friend’s intentions were, not the girlfriends who didn’t keep their boyfriends happy and so prevent his violence, and not the mothers of sons who didn’t raise them right. When a man commits a crime, then a man is responsible. As a society, we must realize this, and we must commit to doing something about it, So fathers if your wife or partner has posted that meme on her social media account this weekend, then please post the same one to yours. And mothers, if you’ve posted that meme then please hear me, it is not your fault, it is not women’s fault, ever. Sarah Everard, may you rest in peace and rise in glory and may all those who have loved you find justice and somehow find comfort, We’re praying for you.
Life In Holland 